Friday, July 13, 2012

steady my heart

This past year has been more difficult than I ever could have imagined. When I quit Starbucks last summer to be a Paraprofessional, I hadn't taken into account the financial struggle I was about to face.  You see, I was going to be making the same hourly rate so everything should have been peachy, right? No, not at all.  At Starbucks, I put in a lot of overtime and made very good tips (we were a rockin' store). As a Para, I was only working 35 hours a week and my pay was being stretched to keep the checks coming in in the summer when I wouldn't be working at all.  I was often full of doubt and insecurities beyond measure regarding my financial situation.

I don't know how I would have survived without my family.  My brother let me work part time at his dive shop, so I could make some extra money.  He could have hired someone way more qualified than me or even someone who was more interested/passionate in the sport.  But he didn't.  He was looking out for his little sister.
My sister and her husband often let me stay at their house during the week, so I didn't have to commute as far because I couldn't afford the fuel.  They fed me meals and even took me on a weekend vacation.  It was like they had inherited a grown up child.  They loaned me money so I could pay my bills.  It was rough.
I hit a breaking point in March, around the time of my last blog post.  The financial struggle and despair had overtaken me.  I had been trying to keep it all hidden from my mother, who is also my landlord.  My sister couldn't help me anymore and I had to admit how bad the situation was- to my sister, to my mother and to myself.  I expected my mother to be disappointed and angry with me and I definitely didn't expect her to bail me out.  I was wrong. She was disappointed, but understanding.  She also rescued me financially.  Now instead of racking up more interest and late fees, I'm working to repay my mother.  And let me tell you having your mother as your creditor is much nicer than a big corporation.

 Whenever I was feeling low, worthless and losing hope, I would force myself to remember that I have a Savior who died for me and provides for me. I needed to keep my hope and faith.  Things would turn out alright.   I don't know why I struggle so much with this.  Why do I need to force myself to remember? Why do I have to force myself to turn to God for help?  Why don't I just ask for help from the beginning? Why do I think I can do things on my own? I am nothing without Jesus.  I need to remember that. I am thankful for a loving and merciful God who has put people in my life to care for me and look out for me when I can't seem to handle life by myself.

I hadn't intended this post to turn out this way. At all.  It was going to be a "hey, it's been a rough year, but things are looking up" kind of post.  But somewhere along the way that changed.  I'll post the "looking up" part tomorrow.  I think both parts need to have their own space, so one doesn't overshadow the other.
While I've been writing I came across a post on Facebook where an old friend posted this video.  I had never heard this song before, but it greatly impacted me this afternoon.  My hope for you is that this song comforts you, if you need it.  It came into my life when I needed it.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, I love love love this song. I don't think I'd heard it before, but it absolutely and utterly speaks to me where I'm at right now--which, apparently, is where you are, too. I have a feeling that "steady my heart" will be our prayer come FCAT time, too... ;)